October 28, 2014
Another college season has started but this one is different from those of past years. You see, Dominique didn’t move back home this summer. In fact, she’s lived at college in her own house off-campus, making her meals, paying her bills, working a real job in her field of study … for the last couple summers … all of this by herself. But this summer she married Adam Dove and they moved into their own apartment.
The spring and summer were filled with excitement about graduation and the opportunities in her life, pride for how well she handled everything, her managing the wedding planning and lots of do-it-yourself to help daddy’s wallet, but most important, humbled by who she is growing up to be. But it was also a time of sadness, realizing that she isn’t our little girl whom we get to see, protect, and care for every day. And she’s not a Benzio anymore. Wow! It was a big transition for us as parents. Our relationship with Dominique really grew this summer.
Have you crossed this relational stepping stone with your child yet? If so, it’s never too late to apply these principles. And if your kids are younger, it’s never too early to start. As with other milestones, the moment you say goodbye as you drop your child off for the first playdate, bus to Kindergarten, job, or college will be burned into your mind forever. They are in mine. (It still is good to have pictures as the mind isn’t as sharp as I get older)
We have taken this child from diapers to diploma … been the primary influence in her life … celebrated many occasions … shared times of sadness and hurt … been involved in most details of her life including disappointments and punishments as well as wonderment and fun. Many joys, fears, and surprises fill our memory banks. Wow, during these 22 years we have seen our child grow so much. Boy, do we miss her!
We all want to protect our children from danger and hurt … save them from the wrong turns we took in the past. We are concerned that we can no longer protect or advocate for them anymore. The truth is, now it’s your turn to change. Hopefully, your love for your child will remain constant or even grow when he or she leaves home. But the way you will express it and interact with your child will be significantly different. As you shift roles, be quick to listen and slow to speak. Instead of lecturing, listen. Begin to create a relationship that fosters communication. Listening first shows you respect your child, and are giving her ideas and views the honor and dignity they and she deserve. Listening shows you are interested in and care for your child … that you understand the significance of this particular issue. Most importantly, listening builds a stronger bridge from your island to hers, so you can send important information when she really needs it and is receptive.
Today, as you continue to make this transition, try to forget the interrogation “who, what, where, why, when” litany you have relied on since your child became a teenager. Shift your focus now to a more faith-based approach. Try praying more. Try asking your child, “How would you like me to pray for you today?” Remember, Jesus is an advocate and protector with more power and skill, and with better access to God than we ever could have ourselves. It could be the difference between growing a powerful and lasting relationship with your child, or growing apart and being marginalized. Whether you adapt to your children’s growth or you treat them as dependent babies is your decision, so choose well.
Dear God, I pray today for all parents who have children in college. I pray that while experiencing this loss, they take this opportunity to grow. They have focused so long on the growth and development of their children. Many times, they have neglected themselves physically, mentally, and spiritually. Father, help these parents know that the job of being a spiritual leader within the family never ends. Give them the strength and wisdom to minister to their college or adult children. Help them, Father, to move to a mindset of praying … not prying. Give them all your peace and joy as they experience the sadness of separation and loss so they may receive Your mercy and find grace in their time of need. I pray this in the name of Jesus Christ our savior; and all God’s children say – AMEN!
I could have no greater joy than to hear that my children live in the truth 3 John 1:4
Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in time of need. Hebrews 4:16