March 25, 2021
No More Coverup; Just Be Honest
Martine and I finally and officially navigated the adventurous teenage years as Gigi, our youngest, finally hit 20 this past year. God has blessed and protected us and our girls have been great with no real problems. But we always got a little nervous when they started to experiment with fashion, get their ears pierced, taking lots of time with their hair, and then the ritual I least understand, endless hours with makeup. Sometimes, we aren’t even going anywhere and Gigi pops out with purple hair and says she “does it just to experiment to see what it looks like.”
To me, this was just the buildup to the major fear in every father’s mind – Boys! Relationships were right around the corner. Remember the days when you started to experience new feelings that you weren’t actually aware of or barely understand? Even when every goofy behavior indicated you had a crush on someone, you totally denied it. And though all your friends could tell, you usually didn’t realize you had a crush until weeks into it and everyone else did, including your crush. Feelings are so complicated!
Most of us have some degree of trouble admitting our true feelings and expressing them, especially if we are struggling with life-interfering feelings, thoughts, or behaviors. But throughout the Bible, God encourages us to be in touch with our feelings and to know them. Once we access our feelings, He doesn’t want us to keep them hidden inside. Jesus set an example for us: He expressed His emotions. He cried. He got angry. He was sad. He was extremely concerned and sweated blood in the garden before His arrest.
We often hide the way we feel behind a defense to keep our real selves from showing. Inside we may feel angry, fearful or sad. But we hide those feelings by joking … acting superior … looking important … using sarcastic comments … being silent … deflecting attention to something else … anesthetizing it with substances or food … or employing some other defense. We may try to cover our sadness with laughter. But when the laughter ends, the hurt or loss remains. Eventually, hidden shame and sadness become roadblocks to hope and healing.
Here’s an important tip: hiding your feelings gives them dysfunctional control over your life. Unexpressed anger, fear, hurt, bitterness, humiliation, guilt, and a lack of forgiveness have a destructive influence on everything we do. Inside we have only a small box that holds these feelings … and it can overflow quickly. When it does, those feelings bleed out and ooze into our real everyday functioning. That is a fact. Often it leads to passive-aggressive behavior.
Your choice is very simple. 1: Express your feelings as they happen, in ways that are controllable, functional, measured, healthy, respectful, and useful to you while they match the situation. Or 2: Hold on to your feelings until they start to overflow from that little container. Beware! They will ooze out in ways that are uncontrollable, dysfunctional, and random. They will sabotage your efforts to deal with the situation at hand. They will hold you back as you pursue psychological and spiritual growth. Unfortunately, this last scenario is what usually happens, reinforcing the false belief that expressing our feelings is destructive. Consequently, we learn to fear having feelings, expressing feelings, or letting others express theirs.
Today, ask yourself this question: has your “cover-up” helped? Or have you learned first-hand that when the laughter ends, the grief remains? Your suppressed feelings will come back to undermine your happiness and relationships. Admitting your negative feelings (in the right way) can be a turning point for you. Be honest with yourself … and with God … and then with a friend. Being real will open the door for healing. Journaling your feelings as they come up is a good step towards having better command over your emotions. Whether you express your feelings in a healthy and appropriate way, or you hold on to them and they ooze out in dysfunctional ways is your decision, so choose well.
Dear Father God, I’ve been hiding my feelings for a long time. But I know now it’s time to be honest. Help me to be real. Help me to have a better awareness of my feelings and more control in expressing them. Set me free from their grip. Help me to see them as Your gift to me. They are my warning system, and a very good warning system. Soothe me and increase my awareness of Your soothing. Help me to share my real feelings with my loved ones, and give me restraint as I express them. I pray in the name of the One whom You sent to be my perfect emotional role model, Jesus Christ – and all God’s children say – AMEN!
Laughter can conceal a heavy heart, but when laughter ends, the grief remains. Proverbs 14:13
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Ephesians 4:26,27