Stand
I left the church the last day of December. I had been a youth minister with almost a hundred youth in the program. When my wife told me that she wanted a divorce I had quickly sunk into a deep depression, complete with a mix of intense sadness, questioning, hopelessness and anger at everyone – God included.
I complained bitterly that although I was trying to serve Him, He had allowed my marriage to fail and although I desperately wanted my wife to return, He was not making it happen. I had been striving and slaving in ministry for Him and I was praying with all my might, where was He when I needed Him?
Yet, even in anger I clung on to the hope that He would somehow pull me through. That was the reason that I continued to attend church, sought to read my Bible and to pray. “After all,” I reasoned, “how could I expect Him to help me if I didn’t ‘do my part?” Still, I worried because I was stuck in a dilemma—How could I begin to “do my part” when I was so filled with sadness, anger, confusion and hopelessness? I regularly found myself saying, doing and thinking things that showed that my control was limited. As a result, my despair grew even stronger.
The week before my schedule exit from the church I had planned a ski trip in West Virginia. Since I was in no emotional shape to supervise, I assigned adult lay leaders to small groups of youth. I would hide out, while they made sure that the youth were safe.
I positioned myself on the porch of the ski lodge, overlooking the “bunny slope.” Those familiar with skiing will recognize this place as the area beginner skiers learn. Learning to ski can be challenging. One must first learn to stand without falling. Since it’s not an easy task to stay vertical on slippery snow and ice, the next step is learning to get up after falling.
Then, once upright, there is learning to stop. The result of several dozen people in these learning stages resembles a slap stick comedy. There are bodies everywhere—some prostrate on the snow, some running into one another or into the fences, others with arms wildly flapping trying not to fall. It’s an amusing sight.
For me, however, it would be more than just amusing. I returned from the ski trip and left the job at the church. Once home and all alone, I laid in bed for several days, deep in depression. Again, the dilemma hit me; there were so many things to do, and I hardly had the strength to even get out of bed. Then, looking for some form of inspiration, I turned to the Bible by the bed. I opened it at random and a fragment of a single sentence caught my eye: Ephesians 6:13 “… and having done all, stand.”
In quick succession two things happened. First, the image of the “bunny slope” came to mind. I saw those beginning skiers struggling to find their footing. I saw them falling and attempting to get up again. And as it did a voice arose in my head. The voice said, “Sometimes, it’s enough just to stand. That is an accomplishment.”
I’m sure that there are those who could quibble with my interpretation of the passage but to me those words were powerful words of reassurance. In that moment I realized I did not have to create the future. I did not have to be “strong enough” or “holy enough” for God to show up. It was not all up to me. He would be pleased if I only learned the next lesson, as elementary as it might be. He was not expecting great leaps of faith. He was simply asking me to do the next, small thing.
I did. I got up. I put my clothes on. I called a friend. It was the beginning of my recovery. That day I began to stand. Though they seemed like small accomplishments they were actually huge. In time I would look back and realize that I not only pulled myself up and began to stand, I also took a step forward. I was learning to trust God not only for my salvation but to meet me when I was too weak, too broken and exhausted to do much of anything.
I learned that my spiritual growth was something that He was guiding and empowering. I learned that He was big enough to carry me.
—The Rev. James R. Needham
I’m grateful for my dear friend James’ vulnerability in sharing this devotional thought. I dare say, many of us have found ourselves in this sort of depression or disillusionment amidst life’s unfolding heartaches. Here’s the beauty of this message for me: God isn’t expecting us to be strong in our own strength. He isn’t expecting us to miraculously pass over the hurts, confusion, and emotional turmoil of the experience. He’s not expecting us to be stong enough or holy enough to overcome. He’s offering for us to rest in Him. To do this, we simply trust: God’s got me. God’s got this. When we rise, when we stand, we don’t do so in our own strength and grace; we do it in His strength and grace. It is in confessing our weakness that we discover His strength and grace to be sufficient! —DH
—David Hoskins, Founder & Care Guide, Sanctuary Clinics